C'est la amour!!

So shashwat!! 

J',How are you? Feeling okay? I know it is difficult… Lots.. But This is the way it was supposed to…. Isn’t it?

May be… Actually being concerned has some of its very own pros and cons. I enjoyed the pros and looking forward to have fun with cons.

Such lies… Well I’ll be honest… I don’t know… how I will react when I see you and “you”. I am feeling terrible…. Suddenly you seem very far… distant….

That was all a week before…………………… Time has changed and so the situations….

 

Sep 10^th:

Well Now the condition is slight tipsy :) I know I would love to write it. Yesterday…. I remember almost everything except some of important bits.

First of all I became so amazed the way I left. Very unlike Shashwat!! How and why are two questions which I am looking an answer of, How can be found by consulting some of lots but why is worth disturbing the soul like me. I’d definitely like to have a time turner (like Hermione). Sometimes I really hate talking while boozing… but everything has their pros and cons, so I can pass of saying No Big Deal but again its not true.

The truth however is very vague and suspicious as I don’t remember it. What I assume now is I must have left when booze was finished and I was under impression that we are going to get some more or so!!  Hell is others! Said Sartre!!

One more thing: The pattern of memory recovery is quite worrisome! If I try to recollect in chronological way...I’m able to follow lots of things but when I try to follow in a reversal order, I fail to establish anything!! May be because there’s a gap! A big GAP!! I don’t remember what the thing that told me to go was!  It’s 11 AM and see I m LOST!!  Now I know… It wasn’t me! May be vks.chandra has something to do with it. He also came with me… In fact I was the one without the bike…. So it is highly unlike that I’d have taken the initiative.

 Hey Baby!! Sorry!! I knoe I shouldn’t have…. But trust me I’m also on your side finding the answers of the very same questions…

I love you!!

 

 

The Path!!

How about a ripping feeling? Flashes of Curses flying past… Who knows which spell will hit whom? When I was a kid I never really liked the result days( though I was sure I won’t be getting less marks), They used to give me a hollow feeling in my stomach. As if Gravity is really “acting”. Time fled and I became more open to the idea of results, but the hollowness still stays and it’s really tough to pretend. I can sense a grim, a sudden chillness sweeping me around, like all happiness fading away, faces leaping ahead, shadows charging ahead. Trapped
Panic Button… still out of sight
Can we deceive ourselves that; if something is going away from you, you might not deserve it? Well… mere play of words, we can call it anything but the feeling stays same. Been kissed by Dementors
I maintained this since start and I really hate in being helpless condition. I must not glorify me being in love but yet the real meaning of love never stays in unification… It may but surely it stays in longings. Process is again the key word, Being right in the centre of process has the charm. Once the process ends we start longing for some other things. Humans are process oriented and we must understand this, we must not run behind results but we should remain in process. Process is again a vague term. What you call a process? A moment before result and after result is what? Penultimate process or Primitive process?
Expectations and commitment are said to be the root causes of pain. Are they?

May be… but one thing is definitely sure that lots of things will be clearer in some week time. We should give it some more time, as time is the only virtue which can perfectly measure the situation and come up with brilliant decisions.


Last some days have been like dream. Basically it’s all about letting you loose a bit on every nerves kind situation. The floating sensation that took me on flight was always. I daresay that the understanding level between every person is different and I find my wavelength with him is un-expectedly amazing! Last 4 days were like seeing me in different light. You’re away and the emptiness was always there but at the same time lots of things existed concurrently. How much insane you remain after following insane and tiresome path of existence is always under question.

Now I am in a different state of mind. After last week, a lot has changed specially on my mental backdrop. But on my practical front approximately nothing has changed.
Hell it took me at least 10 days to update this page. Why? I was so busy that I really ignored it. May be the belief of updating it anyway was the cause behind this delay.

Anyway Lots of things happening and I can sense the old grim coming. Why is it always that people who seem to “care” about you tend to impose their thoughts on you? Can’t this care come naturally or the way one is?
Paradoxes …. Indeed … they do exist... Isn’t it?
Every one who is having a “voiced” say about my life seems to have lost the meaning of Individual existence.

Fine… I may be not happy but yet I don’t want any of lots to try for my happiness, if it’s there I’ll get that.
Zig- zag.. A maze ..we must fall in to trap.

Cadence!!

The Art of endurance always comes under the scanner, especially when stakes are higher. Fine!!
Now what?
Well…. Let’s start with Legitimacy J Hope you won’t mind!!
Kewl!
Every relationship flourishes in a set pattern. Certainly effects are different and so the process as well but the basic pattern remains the same.
It starts like all rosy pictures….. Putting in Shaw’s words… “Romantic Boyhood”. Than it starts getting pace... acceleration... Things move fast and nice as well. It’s all like Schumaker way.
Than we mature in a relationship… things get serious and all.
It seems nice to read so clearly in a flash of 20 seconds.
But… (With an extra T)… What about pain? Endurance of pain? Desire of pain?
Now I’ve been branded as masochist. (Can you believe ? Me??).
Actually I am too demanding… I remember someone saying something which coincidently fits me as well.
“Someone who is vulnerable enough to let me protect him, and protective enough to let me be vulnerable.”
My scar is throbbing (I am not Potter boy and I don’t have any scar). Actually it’s my left temple… and it’s really so irritating.
Well one more thing that I want to make public is: I am quite flamboyant, extrovert and talkative. But when something hits me, some deep thoughts, I keep them for me. It’s very difficult to take those things out of me. I don’t share my pain, my regrets, my inability, my faults and my all personal grey shades.
It’s been more than 3 hours and I am writing this….
Sometimes I feel that I will never get what I want. May be my destiny, but do we play any role in deciding our destiny? Deciding is not working, what about choosing?
“Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven

Will it be the same if I saw you in heaven

I must be strong, and carry on

Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven”

These words are so apt for the time frame that I am just sinking in…
So, my angel!! Now it’s official. I don’t belong to heaven.

I'll find my way, through night and day

Cause I know I just can't stay Here in heaven

Too many things happening. Panic button is still out of question. I can’t stop loving you, though how much deceptive I seem.
We should consider euthanasia!
I died here….

I Love you!!

J *, Here stays the *

Welcome joy & welcome sorrow!
Come today & Come tomorrow!!

It has to start with both the notions present. I am trying hard not to remain confused… and embrace at least one of these beautiful feelings fully… Life has lots to show and make you wiser… The only difference is timing… what I am seeing now may become more painful in wrong times and can become sweeter in right times. Will it be just if I keep grudges against my life for all the pain I desired, or shall I be thankful towards my life to at least showing me the traits of life which no one can even aspire?? Aspiration!! One more vague word!! (Sometimes I wonder if we didn’t have these vague words… living would’ve been a real messy affair!)… So where was I? Lost track… Hmmm! So M, I want to say thanks, I want to say Love, I want to say Smile!! You have been a phenomenon in my life and I shan’t disgrace the value by thanking but I must respect the value by embracing. You’ll always be having a special place in my life…
We need to find out ourselves in order to establish the idea of freedom, being free… be able to fly…
Some or most of the times we weren’t told about the course we’re going to be flown in to, my idea of finding life may hurt me but I’d like to be assure of fact that it doesn’t hurt anybody else, At least, more than me.
18 days and 18 nights.. Simple mathematics 24x18= 432 Hrs. I was with you, physically, mentally, virtually. And I seize to believe (btw I don’t believe in coincidences). Even the coincidences aren’t behaving as coincidences in our case. I must not forget to mention some of the good books which I’d love you to read…
Tell me… Suggest please… How I don’t love you! How? Why? Can I be so selfish to love you without even thinking about your comfort zone? You know and I also know... no… precisely Not… Never!!
I hate it when things are beyond my control… I love myself, and I have my grudges against life… and I’m damn sure I’m going to give it back to life… Straight!


Madness... Sheer madness…. Nothing else it could be. Now the word that tops my hate list is “Legitimate”. I wish I could… but is every wish granted? I don’t know… But I have a strong desire that my wish comes true… We are yet to find a meter for love so I can tell you how much I love you, but I am sure what I feel about you… Well… When I don’t meet you, don’t talk to you… I feel a sense of incompleteness, I feel empty (??), See like today… you seem so away….. I hate being like that ….. I hate it… simple and plain.
Just a minute…Hang on!! What is the thing that drives our relationship…? Emotional quotient?? Physical proximity? Mental setup?
May be a converse of all… Driving force of relationships are the major forces which determines the course of a relationship.