Monday, August 25, 2008

The Path!!

How about a ripping feeling? Flashes of Curses flying past… Who knows which spell will hit whom? When I was a kid I never really liked the result days( though I was sure I won’t be getting less marks), They used to give me a hollow feeling in my stomach. As if Gravity is really “acting”. Time fled and I became more open to the idea of results, but the hollowness still stays and it’s really tough to pretend. I can sense a grim, a sudden chillness sweeping me around, like all happiness fading away, faces leaping ahead, shadows charging ahead. Trapped
Panic Button… still out of sight
Can we deceive ourselves that; if something is going away from you, you might not deserve it? Well… mere play of words, we can call it anything but the feeling stays same. Been kissed by Dementors
I maintained this since start and I really hate in being helpless condition. I must not glorify me being in love but yet the real meaning of love never stays in unification… It may but surely it stays in longings. Process is again the key word, Being right in the centre of process has the charm. Once the process ends we start longing for some other things. Humans are process oriented and we must understand this, we must not run behind results but we should remain in process. Process is again a vague term. What you call a process? A moment before result and after result is what? Penultimate process or Primitive process?
Expectations and commitment are said to be the root causes of pain. Are they?

May be… but one thing is definitely sure that lots of things will be clearer in some week time. We should give it some more time, as time is the only virtue which can perfectly measure the situation and come up with brilliant decisions.


Last some days have been like dream. Basically it’s all about letting you loose a bit on every nerves kind situation. The floating sensation that took me on flight was always. I daresay that the understanding level between every person is different and I find my wavelength with him is un-expectedly amazing! Last 4 days were like seeing me in different light. You’re away and the emptiness was always there but at the same time lots of things existed concurrently. How much insane you remain after following insane and tiresome path of existence is always under question.

Now I am in a different state of mind. After last week, a lot has changed specially on my mental backdrop. But on my practical front approximately nothing has changed.
Hell it took me at least 10 days to update this page. Why? I was so busy that I really ignored it. May be the belief of updating it anyway was the cause behind this delay.

Anyway Lots of things happening and I can sense the old grim coming. Why is it always that people who seem to “care” about you tend to impose their thoughts on you? Can’t this care come naturally or the way one is?
Paradoxes …. Indeed … they do exist... Isn’t it?
Every one who is having a “voiced” say about my life seems to have lost the meaning of Individual existence.

Fine… I may be not happy but yet I don’t want any of lots to try for my happiness, if it’s there I’ll get that.
Zig- zag.. A maze ..we must fall in to trap.


Friday, August 1, 2008

Cadence!!

The Art of endurance always comes under the scanner, especially when stakes are higher. Fine!!
Now what?
Well…. Let’s start with Legitimacy J Hope you won’t mind!!
Kewl!
Every relationship flourishes in a set pattern. Certainly effects are different and so the process as well but the basic pattern remains the same.
It starts like all rosy pictures….. Putting in Shaw’s words… “Romantic Boyhood”. Than it starts getting pace... acceleration... Things move fast and nice as well. It’s all like Schumaker way.
Than we mature in a relationship… things get serious and all.
It seems nice to read so clearly in a flash of 20 seconds.
But… (With an extra T)… What about pain? Endurance of pain? Desire of pain?
Now I’ve been branded as masochist. (Can you believe ? Me??).
Actually I am too demanding… I remember someone saying something which coincidently fits me as well.
Someone who is vulnerable enough to let me protect him, and protective enough to let me be vulnerable.”
My scar is throbbing (I am not Potter boy and I don’t have any scar). Actually it’s my left temple… and it’s really so irritating.
Well one more thing that I want to make public is: I am quite flamboyant, extrovert and talkative. But when something hits me, some deep thoughts, I keep them for me. It’s very difficult to take those things out of me. I don’t share my pain, my regrets, my inability, my faults and my all personal grey shades.
It’s been more than 3 hours and I am writing this….
Sometimes I feel that I will never get what I want. May be my destiny, but do we play any role in deciding our destiny? Deciding is not working, what about choosing?

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same if I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven”

These words are so apt for the time frame that I am just sinking in…
So, my angel!! Now it’s official. I don’t belong to heaven.

I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay Here in heaven

Too many things happening. Panic button is still out of question. I can’t stop loving you, though how much deceptive I seem.
We should consider euthanasia!
I died here….
I Love you!!